Fragments from the Abyss

“Did you bring it?”
“Of course I did. But, hey, how are you? Sorry I didn’t come last Sunday – I had a meal thing with my parents, Dad and the Step-mom.”
“That’s okay. Nothing much more to tell from this week to the last. I’ve been here and still am. Taking the meds on time, socialising – sorry – fraternizing even is perhaps better – taking the right routes when discussing my condition. Things are looking good – it’s getting better all the time,” he hummed off into The Beatles tune.
“But that sounds all positive man. Like there’s a sense of progression – the more that time passes the more progress you make.”
“But, I’m still here. That’s what I’m trying to say. You’re here, right now, but in two hours from now, you’ll be Tony back at home, tomorrow you’ll be Tony at work. Tony down at the pub. Tony at the corner store. Tony, Tony, Tony - at all these different places, at different times, and what am I? Where am I? I’m here, all those times, here and now, and here and now in five minutes from now. And here in five months from now. A voluntary admission whose leaving is not at his disposal.”
I just looked down at my feet. He was right. I knew it, but it hurt me to face his eyes and let him see the pain I felt at his being here, at him being in here. I counted the eyelets on my right shoe and let Ant continue.
“I came in and now I can’t go out. Not for another five months. That’s what they told me yesterday at the monthly meeting update. I sit and allow the doctors to become ‘better acquainted with the acuity of my manic depression’. They ask and I reply. And each reply is marked in scrolls of paper they carry in their little brown suitcases. And they are old, learned, wise men and with that knowledge they can pass judgment and deem that I remain.”
“But Ant, things will be getting better… you’ve already come full-circle since when… Since when you first came in here I mean.”
“Oh Tony, thank you. Without that little tid-bit of knowledge I wouldn’t have known.”
“Fuck off.” I said. The rudeness was it. It didn’t become him. It wasn’t him or at least it seemed to amplify one dark aspect that was him. We all have negative and positive traits, but for some reason on the meds, the negative trait was amplified. I thought it was more like something designed to be a protective mechanism. Designed to keep me seeing the pain, and scared man in front of me. I was scared too. I raised my head and looked him back in the eye.
“I’m sorry. But you know that it pisses me off when you speak like that. I know it’s meant to be in humour, but I don’t find it funny. Not now… in this place.”
“Yeah… sure.. Hey I’m sorry. I was just kidding around. Can I have a cigarette?”
I leaned back on my chair and reached into my jacket pocket.
“Here,” and handed him a cigarette. He inhaled deeply and leaned back in his chair and we looked and grinned at each other, conspiratorially, like the old days.
“Thanks man,” he said, the light of happiness suddenly growing in his bright, glistening eyes.
The door opened up behind him and a warden came into the room. He was holding a clip board in his hand and a pen. He looked up for a second at Ant and I talking and then went back into the office. There was no hurry, we had all the time in the world.
“Next time I come will be the third Sunday in March.”
“Oh, okay – what are you doing again?”
“My girlfriend and I – I’m taking her down skiing around the alps down south. We’ll taking a week at her parents, and then another week on the snow.”
“Sounds nice.”
“It will be. I feel bad telling you, as though I’m lauding it over you. It makes me feel ashamed to be experiencing something like that, and knowing you’ll still in here.”
“Hey, hey. Hey. Look, I know what you mean because we talked about the other time. I know, but I like hearing about your trips man. It reminds me of the life that’s going on out there. I see it on TV even. Like even though it’s pre-recorded it’s still almost a global record of what that actor was doing in that time and place. And if you know the schedule date, then you know that right then that was that actors’ mindset. Those images and scenes had that effect, but more magnified and, possibly convoluted, on that actor and they had a similar effect to what you felt when you saw the movie later on. You share a moment in time. I like hearing your stories but it feels like I’m sharing a moment in time with you, when I know what you’re doing and I can imagine you doing it, as though I was doing it. Is this making any sense?”
“Yeah, no, I know what you’re saying. Continue.” I flourished my hand, and smiled and then took a last drag on my cigarette.
“It also reminds me that those things are things I can be doing when I get out of here. It reminds me of what the world can hold for me when I get out. Even if I don’t do any of them, at least the option would at least be there, y’know?”
“Yeah I know. Anyway, I gotta go. I dig hanging out with you man. I’ll write you a bit more about my trip this week and post it to you when I hit the road. This’ll be over soon man, and I’ll take you up there. Find you a nice lady friend and we’ll all head up. I know you’ll love it up there man. It’s one magical place.”
I scraped my chair back and stood up. I left the packet on the table for Ant later on, and slid my cap on, rolling it low over my eyes. I bent my head a little when I said goodbye, it was the most humblest gesture I could think of at the time. I couldn’t just walk out and get on with my life, knowing what was his life.
“Hey, I’ll definitely send that letter man. And maybe a picture or something.”
“Have an excellent trip my friend. Have the best time and enjoy it. You will for sure. And thanks for coming up to see me. It means a lot man, more than you would know.”
“I know. I know man. It’s all good. I’ll see if I can bring up Jimmy next time as well.”
“Sure. Anyway ah thanks man and, until the next time, ‘you take care now, bye bye.’ He imitated Jim Carrey and we both laughed then shook hands and I walked off into my own little life and got on with it.

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